A Growing Heart
Oh goodness, where has the time gone! I've had no ideas as to what I should "blog" about. You'd think it would be opposite as things have changed in life; working to schooling, housing to dorming, movie watching to book reading, much leisure time to busyness. One might think that these might cause reason to write and maybe by the end of the post I will see it has, but the betweens of posts has bred to difficultly to create "new ideas".
Firstly, all the warnings are true. Chicago is a FREEZING city! I'm back in Boise for a few weeks and the warmth it radiates is thawing my bones. Literally. I'm pretty sure they were frozen to the marrow! To help keep the warmth in me...well, not even that, that's just an excuse...rather, because I freakin' love it, I've made it a point to visit as many coffee shops as much as is possible. Unfortunately, it's made me a more "snobbier" coffee consumer than I already was...
I'm pretty sure I've just read a book that will remain on my top five list for a very long time. My Name is Asher Lev. If you do not know it, I strongly suggest you become acquainted with it, or read it, and both! It is a poetically written, dangerously beautiful story with a heartbreaking end.
I have decided to run a marathon, yes 26.2 miles! What?! I know, go back and re-read that (I nearly have to). I will give us time to process...
...
...
...
...
OK, now that we've processed I will briefly explain. (I'm sure there will be many more posts to follow about it, I may even begin to "track" my physical and mental and emotional progress through the training.) A friend and myself will be running the Chicago Marathon in October with a group from MissioDei (our church in Chicago) as a part of the World Vision charity team. We will be fundraising to help those in Africa have access to clean water! I thought to myself, "Self, it's for an upstanding cause, you're young and healthy, you can become physically capable of doing this, and when else in your life, if not now, would you do this? So, self, we are going to do it!" Also, I'm not sure of much else in my life that I will have focused so much effort to accomplish and I'd like to experience the discipline it takes to accomplish such an endeavor. And, I'd like to see what spiritual truths I can glean from the physical experience and apply them to my relationship with God.
Anyways, enough of that for now. I've been thinking a lot lately of the condition of my heart and its impact on my relationship with God, my ability to grow and deepen in my understanding of Him. Someone recently posted this on Facebook "Which do you want? The pain of staying where you are or the pain of growth." -Judith Lasaster. Growing is painful and often it takes the breaking down of self in order for God to properly build us up. In a small way (and I'm sure only very small), I've experienced this pain of growth and honestly, I'm terrified of it! I'd rather place walls around my heart and protect it from this pain. Ironically, that "protection" will only allow for more pain, not healing.
I'm not sure how well this will connect, but it makes me think of a quote by C.S. Lewis (one of my favorites of his). "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I desire to truly experience growth, develop a deep friendship with God and a true love for Him, I cannot have these walls (or coffin of selfishness) around my heart. It will create a heart that is impenetrable and a deep pain within my soul. Unfortunately, some (not all) of these "walls" I cannot even tear away at, only God can remove and I the willing recipient must experience another pain, a pain of growth. But in this pain, instead of an inability to be touched and impacted, the heart will transform. It will become soft and movable. It will be able to be affected and changed. It will be able to be saved and redeemed (perhaps from all it's wrapped luxuries and entanglements). It will be vulnerable, accessible, and sensitive to even deeper growth and understanding. Only this heart is the one that can experience a deep, purposeful, and beautiful friendship with our Creator, Life-Giver, Savior, and Redeemer. Only this vulnerable heart can reflect this Love and give it to those alongside, beside, and all around.
Please let your heart be vulnerable and exposed for growth! For the alternative is a coffin of death to your heart and soul!
P.S. Sorry for such a long post
Firstly, all the warnings are true. Chicago is a FREEZING city! I'm back in Boise for a few weeks and the warmth it radiates is thawing my bones. Literally. I'm pretty sure they were frozen to the marrow! To help keep the warmth in me...well, not even that, that's just an excuse...rather, because I freakin' love it, I've made it a point to visit as many coffee shops as much as is possible. Unfortunately, it's made me a more "snobbier" coffee consumer than I already was...
I'm pretty sure I've just read a book that will remain on my top five list for a very long time. My Name is Asher Lev. If you do not know it, I strongly suggest you become acquainted with it, or read it, and both! It is a poetically written, dangerously beautiful story with a heartbreaking end.
I have decided to run a marathon, yes 26.2 miles! What?! I know, go back and re-read that (I nearly have to). I will give us time to process...
...
...
...
...
OK, now that we've processed I will briefly explain. (I'm sure there will be many more posts to follow about it, I may even begin to "track" my physical and mental and emotional progress through the training.) A friend and myself will be running the Chicago Marathon in October with a group from MissioDei (our church in Chicago) as a part of the World Vision charity team. We will be fundraising to help those in Africa have access to clean water! I thought to myself, "Self, it's for an upstanding cause, you're young and healthy, you can become physically capable of doing this, and when else in your life, if not now, would you do this? So, self, we are going to do it!" Also, I'm not sure of much else in my life that I will have focused so much effort to accomplish and I'd like to experience the discipline it takes to accomplish such an endeavor. And, I'd like to see what spiritual truths I can glean from the physical experience and apply them to my relationship with God.
Anyways, enough of that for now. I've been thinking a lot lately of the condition of my heart and its impact on my relationship with God, my ability to grow and deepen in my understanding of Him. Someone recently posted this on Facebook "Which do you want? The pain of staying where you are or the pain of growth." -Judith Lasaster. Growing is painful and often it takes the breaking down of self in order for God to properly build us up. In a small way (and I'm sure only very small), I've experienced this pain of growth and honestly, I'm terrified of it! I'd rather place walls around my heart and protect it from this pain. Ironically, that "protection" will only allow for more pain, not healing.
I'm not sure how well this will connect, but it makes me think of a quote by C.S. Lewis (one of my favorites of his). "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I desire to truly experience growth, develop a deep friendship with God and a true love for Him, I cannot have these walls (or coffin of selfishness) around my heart. It will create a heart that is impenetrable and a deep pain within my soul. Unfortunately, some (not all) of these "walls" I cannot even tear away at, only God can remove and I the willing recipient must experience another pain, a pain of growth. But in this pain, instead of an inability to be touched and impacted, the heart will transform. It will become soft and movable. It will be able to be affected and changed. It will be able to be saved and redeemed (perhaps from all it's wrapped luxuries and entanglements). It will be vulnerable, accessible, and sensitive to even deeper growth and understanding. Only this heart is the one that can experience a deep, purposeful, and beautiful friendship with our Creator, Life-Giver, Savior, and Redeemer. Only this vulnerable heart can reflect this Love and give it to those alongside, beside, and all around.
Please let your heart be vulnerable and exposed for growth! For the alternative is a coffin of death to your heart and soul!
P.S. Sorry for such a long post
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteChristina, i really enjoyed reading this post! I''m so proud of you for the path you've "chosen", and i know God sees your desire to "truly experience growth, develop a deep friendship with, and a true love for Him." I will be praying for you during this amazing time in your life as God brings you into my thoughts and prayers! Can't wait to hear about your experience with the Marathon!!(What a worth while cause) Oh, and i do remember how COLD chicago is! Many visits there for many years, i'll never foget the feeling! Brrrrrrr!!!! :)
ReplyDelete